So, I’m no cook. But it was Sunday night and Bart was busy. So in the spirit of partnership (I mean, we’re going to be parenting a child together) I decided to get the Three Bean Vegetarian Chili “started”.

Part of my not being a cook has a lot to do with chopping. It’s not “relaxing” or “therapeutic” to me, it’s annoying. Of course, this recipe only had 3 things to chop (one onion, one carrot, one jalapeño), so it seemed like a task I could handle.

I cried through the onion. The carrot was easy. Then I was pleased to find that “seeding” a jalapeño was actually really simple – and mincing it was a breeze (they’re so small!). I pulled out the 12 or whatever jars of spices the recipe called for and divided them into the 2 stages in which I’d be adding them to the mix – all the while thinking “man, I don’t know why I don’t cook more often – this is easy!”

Bart joined me in time to open the cans (beans & tomatoes). I’m not allowed to open cans – the only stitches I’ve ever had are from a can opening incident where I almost lost my thumb… Anyway, as we’re adding the chili powder to the recipe, I comment on how spicy it smells, not sure if it might be too spicy for me… Then we stir, bring it to a quick boil, and set the timer to let it simmer for an hour. EASY.

At this point it’s getting late, so I head upstairs to get ready for bed.

First task: Remove the Contact Lenses

And that’s when I realized that there are some actual skills involved in cooking. At first I thought I had chili powder under my nails. So I washed my hands and flushed out my right eye, which was ON FIRE. Thinking I had rid myself of the tiny bit of powder that I must have missed the first time, I moved on to remove the left eye, and set it on fire, too.

With tears in my eyes, I waddled back downstairs to tell Bart about my burning chili powder issue, and he proceeds to tell me about the “oil” that apparently lies in wait on the skin of a jalapeño for unsuspecting cooking-haters to rub generously all over their hands then insert into their eyes. Or who knows where else?!

So word to the wise: Don’t Cook.

Ok, cook if you must, but use gloves when chopping a jalapeño. It’s just common sense.

(by the way, the chili was awesome – recipe available upon request, but don’t expect me to make it for you)